I shouldn’t have got so down the other night, as things have turned for the better again. I met a great guy last night at Newbies, the local club, his name will be known as Mr. X for now, he’s not out yet, and I promised not to tell anyone yet until he gives the OK. But he’s 19, about 6′ tall, 205, and very very cute. We talked for a while, then decided to go up on the dance floor, and all of a sudden we looked into each other’s eyes, and BAM!, I felt like I was floating on thin air. The feeling was indescribable. I’m going to meet up with him tonight to hang out, and I have a feeling this is the beginning of something very, very special.

I also will not be deleting my diatribe from the other night. It will remain here as a reminder to myself of how bad I was really feeling the other day. I wasn’t asking for sympathy, I just had to express myself some way, and that was the only option available to me at the time.

Love and blessings,
Nick 🙂

As I write this entry, I currently feel probably the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. I feel rejected, abused, tortured, unwanted. I’m unsure if you’ve ever felt such emptiness regarding having a “significant other” in your life. But I can’t find one, it’s just hurting me so bad. 99.99% of the time I talk to a guy, they tell me I’m cute, and I’m nice, but they say “you’re not my type”. I have been told this so much that it’s starting to affect my outlook of myself. I have been seriously depressed for the last two weeks, I am slowly becoming convinced that nobody thinks that I’m desirable. I know my self-esteem is at an all time low, and it’s hard for me to find the inspiration to pull me out of this. This entry is sounding more like a desparate plea than an update on my life, I have even considered getting psychological help. I’m ugly, that’s all there is to it.

Folks, as some of you may have assumed, I was supposed to be online back on the 17th. Well, fate slapped me in the face yet again. The financial pressure is on again. I am having problems with my bank, and am seeing red yet again. HOPEFULLY I will be able to get back on a cable modem in the second half of July, but hopefully I’ll be online for sure by August. I know you guys probably miss me, especially some of you out there who I hope is getting my phone messages (you know who you are), but I promise I’ll try to get back as soon as I can.

BTW, my job is great, alas, I’m living without a supervisor at the present time, I’m in heaven…. which probably won’t last much longer 🙂

Yours truly,
Nick

Hey kids, I’m here at my local public library now to let you all know how I am doing.

My new job is going wonderful so far, in two weeks of training, I’ve learned just about every nook and cranny of the credit card world, and the amazing thing is I didn’t have a hard time understanding it all! It’s amazing to think I caught on so quickly to such things as annual percentage rates and plan/balance transfers.

I start taking calls full time next Tuesday (May 13th). I was the first to take a call in my traning class, and I surprisingly wasn’t nervous at all. I have taken about seven calls since then and feel ready to take on the full workload.

As for when I’ll get internet access back, it is still unknown at this point. I have to pay the $424 back on the accident from last summer, so that takes definite priority.

Posting from here will have to do for now, so, if you want to get in touch with me, dart me off a temporary email to [email protected] and I’ll try to reply as fast as I can (I won’t be able to check email at work, it’ll probably be about every Saturday from here).

Take care guys, and I’ll see you all soon!

Folks, I unfortunately have bad news for you all.

Money is running tight, and I have to give up the internet for at least a couple of months. So this means I won’t be able to update this journal a lot. I’ll try to do it from a public computer through the sucky LJ site, and email you guys out there (or try to). But I’ll be OK.

My friends, I’ll miss you for a while, but I will be back. Wish me luck on my new job!

I love you guys.

Nick

Folks, I GOT A JOB! I have been hired by the CitiBank Operations Center in Gray, TN. It’s only 12 miles away and I will be making more than I did at Wal-Mart. My duties will be answering customer service calls all day long for 8 hours, but it’s better than throwing pet food and having your managers yell at you.

I go in today at 2:00 to sign all the paperwork, and let me tell you I am excited!

Let’s say this journal will become a journal of the beginnings of what I hope to be a great endeavor.

Last week (I think Thursday), I went to check the mail and found a letter from an insurance company. I opened it and what I saw was SHOCKING, to say the least.

Let me begin by saying that I was involved in a minor traffic accident last July, during a period which I was trying to get established with insurance after I moved to Tennessee. July 23rd, I was returning from a minor league baseball game, and was coming downhill. It was pouring rain. I had to go around a tight curve, and was going only 20mph. My brakes locked and I ended up resting on a black Chevrolet Cavalier’s front end. It didn’t do much damage except chip her bumper molding a little bit. We waited for the cops and went our separate ways.

The following week, I get a telephone call from a lady stating that I am at fault and to start paying at $50/payday until I get it paid off. She said that she would send me something in the mail immediately to give me information. I never heard anything again until this letter last week.

Last week, I got a letter stating damages I am liable for are $424. At the top of the letter, it clearly can be seen that the date August 26, 2002 is typed. This is crossed out and the date April 4, 2003 is handwritten above it in the same handwriting as the signature (name will not be disclosed because of possible pending legal matters).

THIS PISSES ME OFF! On advice of several individuals, I will be seeking legal counsel over this matter. I will not seek damages, but will seek to have this matter dismissed, because I don’t think it’s fair to just say nothing then slap this on me when I have no fucking job whatsoever.

The world knows how to put stuff over on everybody, eh?

People who know me will know that I don’t make many political comments. I feel that I must make one today.

I saw a report on Fox News Channel about democrats at a convention they were having today. It was reported that most of them made no reference at all to the war (save for 2 brightbills and Al Sharpton [egad]). Not only does this piss me off on this historic day, but it infuriates me. Such bastards these people are, all they must be really thinking about is fucking their interns, just like Clinton did. I think it was an awesome sight today seeing a statue being torn down in Baghdad, and all the dems can do is snarl their noses up at it, how pathetic can a politcal party get.

And oddly enough, at around 9:20, longshot1980 pointed out to me that Michael Reagan (yes, THAT Michael Reagan, former host of Lingo himself), apppeared on FNC and started an anti-liberal attitude. Is he a democrat too? No wonder Lingo failed miserably.

Blast me if you will, but I’m still neutral political-wise.

I can’t diagnose the feelings that are going through me right now. I feel like I’m being ignored, forgotten, thrown to the curb. I feel like I’m a used car, proverbially sold off at a moment’s notice, or traded in for another one.

My boyfriend is questioning where his heart is, and I really feel that he has his heart set on someone else. I’m getting screwed out of a good realtionship, and it’s not really anyone’s fault. Temptation has been knocking on my door lately, but I’m trying not to give in, I haven’t yet, and I don’t want to. But a point is coming up that I do not want to face, and that point is that I’m going to have to choose between remaining with my boyfriend and hope that his feelings are still set on me, or I’m going to have to move on and try to determine what to do with my love life from that point forward. It’s not an easy decision, it’s almost as tough as deciding which sexual orientation I was all those years ago when I was a frightened teenager.

God, please help me.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
— Personality Disorder Test – Take It! —

hmm, interesting….